I don't have a solid purpose for this blog established yet. I have a busy life with lots going on. I have a lot of thoughts, intentions, and hopes for things to accomplish. I don't accomplish nearly what I'd like. Today's post though is a bit of rambling on grief and life's journey. Grief. So much to convey in five little letters. And so many platitudes. Today marks a very specific day. It's a date I won't forget. While I may have lapses of memory over the number of years as time goes on - sometimes it seems like a day, others forever - I'll always know the date itself. September 29.
Three years ago today it was a Sunday afternoon. I was in my "office" sewing. The dogs were in the living room chewing on bones. And I made a fatal mistake. Three years ago I lost my Juicy-bear. My precious baby Pomeranian. She wasn't even three yet. She was so vital. So energetic. So funny and so loving. She was treasured and she saved me but I failed her.
So many times people have said, "Don't feel guilty." "You have to let that go." Yes, in my brain I can identify with that. But my heart? My soul? The loss that screams at me too often? No. I will never forgive myself.
Juicy came along at a time I needed her. Maybe my only consolation is that she was there when I needed her the most. But she wasn't there when I needed her losing her. Grief is insanely painful. It comes in many forms. It sneaks up and hits you between the eyes. It takes you out at the knees. It visits in the night. It visits at the oddest moments.
I can look at her pictures now. Sort of. I still have on my to-do list a comprehensive photo montage to honor her. And a shadow box. Maybe in her honor this weekend I'll finally get the clay paw imprints done of my current pack, two of which were her prior siblings.
That little girl was something amazing. Something so special it defies logic. Maybe she was my personal angel. She knew when I needed her. She read me like a book. She had characteristics that were just so soulful you couldn't hardly believe she was a dog. I remember lying in bed with my knees up. She'd lay on her back in the crevice of my knees and I'd just have a hand resting lightly on her belly scratching her. Every single time I stopped, up went the paws. She'd cover her eyes with a rubbing motion. Telling me in the most obvious way she didn't want me to stop. It was so endearing. I would give anything to spend an evening in just such a way again.
Some moments are more painful than others. Juicy is a part of my history, a part of my story. She's a part of the sadness that lives in me. But I'll never regret a moment with her. She made an impact on many people in addition to me and mine. And she lives on in lovely little moments I see in Sophia. It helps a little.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Monday, September 19, 2016
Opening Statements
Hello and welcome to my new blog. My name is Kennedy and I'll be the orator of this page. This is my third blog. The first was for my Dane, Vegas (danescanq.blogspot.com) and I'm horribly remiss at posting anything there. The second is for my Pomeranians, Leo and Sophie (pompowered.blogspot.com). I'm also negligent in posting to that page as well these days. However, the purpose for this page is solely for me. My 'idealistic' goal is for it to be cathartic, healing, emotionally helpful. A secondary goal is if it perhaps is satirical, amusing, fun, and humorous, if not helpful to others from time to time.
So .... why "Opening Statements" for my first post? Well, a little background should help. When I was in high school I was determined to go to law school followed by a career in the DA's office with a quick rise to the DA and I was going to solve the world's problems - one case at a time. Many years before this I even believed I could be president. Fast forward through my career plans derailing and having an early marriage and even earlier child, I just worked and did whatever in between taking care of my kids and getting a divorce.
When the "internet" became popular and more accessible, I started live chatting online and made a good friend through a Yahoo group, Noah. After a couple of years he convinced me at some point when the topic came up that I could go to school. I had given up that dream to date but with perseverance, he prevailed. Initially I enrolled with the University of Phoenix to complete my early credit requirements and thought I'd transfer to another university to seek a degree in marine biology. Before too long I remembered my dreams of becoming a lawyer and discovered Phoenix had a criminal justice program. I set my path and began fully intending on earning my undergrad and then moving on to law school in the evenings.
Of course reality is something different and while I did earn my undergrad at Phoenix in Criminal Justice Administration, I didn't know where to go from there. So I kept working the job I'd had.
But the thing is, the driving force of who I was, who I am, it's about right and wrong. I've been through several custody battles with my ex-husband. I've been kicked around by the legal system and considerably humiliated and mistreated by the judge himself in family court. And my path began to blur. The judicial system was not all it cracked up to be. How could I make a difference? Wouldn't I just have to start settling for tiny things like jail time versus prison? A guilty plea with "time served" versus the book thrown at him? Would technicalities and procedural errors trump? How about space in the jail and the inability to even press charges? And don't get me started on the death penalty and how much we spend to convict a capital case then house the person for umpteen years through countless millions of dollars of appeals.
I couldn't compromise myself. I couldn't settle for "a little justice" instead of the whole kitten-kaboodle I'd envisioned so many years before. And I couldn't go to law school. I was raising my boys and working full-time to support us. Law school would have been 6-10 evenings plus every waking moment studying and reading and researching and doing homework plus working full-time. I couldn't be a mom and fulfill my dreams, too. But then there was the daunting student loan payments coming due. Yikes. So I kept going to school online where I could study at home at night after taking care of my kids...and got my masters in teaching. I'm still not using that. And the student loan debt still exists.
Fast forward again. For the past (nearly) decade I've been involved in dog sports which led to dog training and the latest is conformation. Wow, conformation. Never saw that one coming 10 years ago. And herein lies the dilemma and the instigator for this first post. Injustice.
I could be accused of seeing things too black and white sometimes. I can admit it. But I have this silly little expectation when I show my dog. I expect the judge to respect my entry and give me the same courtesy as every other exhibitor and fully look at and consider MY DOG. And I expect him or her to choose the BEST DOG based upon the standard only.
By now most of you - if any (readers) - are probably laughing so hysterically you can't see the screen or continue reading. Am I right? But it's true. Yes, that's what I expected when I went into this big adventure.
Are we all human? Do we all have personal opinions, preferences, likes and dislikes? Of course. But we should - when presented with a situation (especially one we put ourselves in) that asks us to be impartial and make a decision or selection based upon a written, prescribed standard, we should be able to set aside personal preferences, likes, dislikes, and choose only on that criterion. And maybe it happens. I'm told it happens. I'm also told it happening is like hunting for unicorns (Thanks, Kathleen; that made me laugh.).
So .... why "Opening Statements" for my first post? Well, a little background should help. When I was in high school I was determined to go to law school followed by a career in the DA's office with a quick rise to the DA and I was going to solve the world's problems - one case at a time. Many years before this I even believed I could be president. Fast forward through my career plans derailing and having an early marriage and even earlier child, I just worked and did whatever in between taking care of my kids and getting a divorce.
When the "internet" became popular and more accessible, I started live chatting online and made a good friend through a Yahoo group, Noah. After a couple of years he convinced me at some point when the topic came up that I could go to school. I had given up that dream to date but with perseverance, he prevailed. Initially I enrolled with the University of Phoenix to complete my early credit requirements and thought I'd transfer to another university to seek a degree in marine biology. Before too long I remembered my dreams of becoming a lawyer and discovered Phoenix had a criminal justice program. I set my path and began fully intending on earning my undergrad and then moving on to law school in the evenings.
Of course reality is something different and while I did earn my undergrad at Phoenix in Criminal Justice Administration, I didn't know where to go from there. So I kept working the job I'd had.
But the thing is, the driving force of who I was, who I am, it's about right and wrong. I've been through several custody battles with my ex-husband. I've been kicked around by the legal system and considerably humiliated and mistreated by the judge himself in family court. And my path began to blur. The judicial system was not all it cracked up to be. How could I make a difference? Wouldn't I just have to start settling for tiny things like jail time versus prison? A guilty plea with "time served" versus the book thrown at him? Would technicalities and procedural errors trump? How about space in the jail and the inability to even press charges? And don't get me started on the death penalty and how much we spend to convict a capital case then house the person for umpteen years through countless millions of dollars of appeals.
I couldn't compromise myself. I couldn't settle for "a little justice" instead of the whole kitten-kaboodle I'd envisioned so many years before. And I couldn't go to law school. I was raising my boys and working full-time to support us. Law school would have been 6-10 evenings plus every waking moment studying and reading and researching and doing homework plus working full-time. I couldn't be a mom and fulfill my dreams, too. But then there was the daunting student loan payments coming due. Yikes. So I kept going to school online where I could study at home at night after taking care of my kids...and got my masters in teaching. I'm still not using that. And the student loan debt still exists.
Fast forward again. For the past (nearly) decade I've been involved in dog sports which led to dog training and the latest is conformation. Wow, conformation. Never saw that one coming 10 years ago. And herein lies the dilemma and the instigator for this first post. Injustice.
I could be accused of seeing things too black and white sometimes. I can admit it. But I have this silly little expectation when I show my dog. I expect the judge to respect my entry and give me the same courtesy as every other exhibitor and fully look at and consider MY DOG. And I expect him or her to choose the BEST DOG based upon the standard only.
By now most of you - if any (readers) - are probably laughing so hysterically you can't see the screen or continue reading. Am I right? But it's true. Yes, that's what I expected when I went into this big adventure.
Are we all human? Do we all have personal opinions, preferences, likes and dislikes? Of course. But we should - when presented with a situation (especially one we put ourselves in) that asks us to be impartial and make a decision or selection based upon a written, prescribed standard, we should be able to set aside personal preferences, likes, dislikes, and choose only on that criterion. And maybe it happens. I'm told it happens. I'm also told it happening is like hunting for unicorns (Thanks, Kathleen; that made me laugh.).
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